Emotionally Drained and Stressed Out

​​With the aim of just relieving my heart and mind of stress and all pent-up emotions, I’ve drafted a few lines of this last night after a bout of migraines and pricking pain in my chest. I've planned to delete it permanently from my CPU but what has happened today and the past few days has took a turn for the worse and thus has prompted me to just go along with finishing what I started or else my heart might explode from it all. So here it goes.

I am in pain - the worst kind. The kind that no amount of medication or surgical manipulation can ever cure. Emotional, spiritual pain. Those combined, is there even something left for me to live with? My heart is cramping -  the kind of cramps that the more you try to tamp it down, the more it hurts. My lungs seem to have lost their ability to deliver the much-needed oxygen to the major organs in my body. It seems there's a lot of miniature dwarfs with hammers and hatchets pounding relentlessly inside my head. I couldn’t breathe. You know the feeling when you’re drowning and you try to swim upwards to break water and be able to breathe again but something seems to keep pulling you deeper into the water? Well, that’s how I am feeling right now. I’m drowning from all the lies and sins, from being able to live when those who deserve to live have already passed away, from everything.

I’ve asked Him a lot of times this: Why me, Lord? What have I so dreadfully done in my past life for me to gruellingly pay for it in this life? Lord, if you wanted to teach me a lesson in life, you've been most successful this time. If you think I deserve this harsh punishment for whatever I did in my past life, then this is it, Lord. I am all yours. But why, Lord? Am I really as strong as you think I am? How do I go about this? How do I live with it? Can I even get through this? My own family fails me - twice. I don't know. It's still out of respect that I call them family. Nakakahiya sa new-found friends ko. Nakakahiya sa mga taong nakapaligid sa akin. Nakakahiya sa mga taong mahal ako at mahal ko. Nakakahiya sa Inyo.

Lord, could you please do me a favor and just take me home with You? If this is life as it is today and it gets even harder as life goes on, then Lord, please take me home with You. I love you, Lord. But I don't think I could take anymore of their antics. I am so tired of their manipulative reasoning. I am so tired of hearing them spew nonsense from minds and mouths so filthy that you could smell the stench from Alaska and back. Answer me this Lord. Am I justified to feel angry? Am I reasonable to feel annoyed? Am I right to feel a tad bit peeved? Lord, am I even in my right mind to ask you of this? Either take me with You or let us burn in hell. I would even be so glad to grab hold of their hands and trod down to hell with them in atonement of my sins and theirs.

I really, really just want to drop off the face of the earth this very minute. Alam ko Lord na hindi ang isang taong tulad nilang malabong kausap ang sisira sa mga plano ko sa buhay, sa mga pangarap ko, sa pagsisikap kong maabot ang kalayaang matagal ko nang hinangad. But if worse comes to worst, Lord, I'll not even think twice. I'll drag them all down with me to the pits of hell in the blink of an eye.

My heart would explode from pain if I don’t let these all out. My 6pm-6am work as an online freelance contractor stresses me out enough. I don’t need some petty excuse of a person to add to that. They may not be worth my death but Lord I’d want to take their sins with me to hell and do the world a huge and excellent favour. Less me and them, I suspect it would rather be a wonderful world to live in with me and them out of the picture.

Rants and ravings of a stressed, confused, emotional Lexa Elaine.