Of Pipedreams and Chocolates

Forrest Gump’s momma always said that life is a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.

Yup! I do agree with Mrs. Gump that life is really a box of chocolates. You never know what’s in store until you open it up. My life has been a bittersweet delicacy. It had its up and downs but I’d never be where I am today without every challenge I had to overcome.

Seeing my dad and my loved ones taken away from me before my eyes had snapped me out of a lot of sweet dreams and happily-ever-afters and silent reveries. Years had already passed and I still have to mull over what may have been and if only I had done the right thing. One of the things my dad’s death taught me was that we only live once -  to do those things our body and our soul cry out for us to do. Life is just a fleeting enchantment of pipedreams and is not to be squandered. I had to get on with my life and live it to the fullest. In other words, I think that often times it takes a tragic event or sad circumstance for us to stop and really appreciate what and whom we have in our lives. It's not every day that we take the time to be thankful for the very pieces that hold us together, that being the people closest to us.  After all, they’re worth more than our material things and our money.

But I always wondered if only my dad hadn’t passed away leaving a lot of untended things he’d love to do if he hadn’t met his Maker. But growing up with the Lord in my heart, mind and soul obliterated all those thoughts from my wondering mind. Living in God’s grace taught me that my dad’s death was a blessing in a way – Mrs. Gump called it a part of life but I wish it wasn’t. He would have deeply suffered battling the Big C if the Lord had not taken him away from us. But that’s a story for another day.

Today’s story is about how inspired I am by the things that come randomly to mind that I had to make a list, check it twice and cross out the things I’ve already done or experienced.

‘What’ and ‘if’ are two very different words but when put together would entail more than their separate meanings. What if? What if? What if my dad hadn’t died? What if he was still here with us? What if there’s more to life than just a box of chocolates? What if I go out on a limb and step out of the box? What if? What if? But as ‘what’ and ‘if’ could mean a lot more than their separate meanings, there is also more to ‘if’ and ‘only’ when put together. If only… If only dad hadn’t died. If only I had told him, I loved him every day until the day he breathed his last breath. If only I had lived life with a little more freedom. If only I had lived life with a little more love and laughter. If only I had opened that box of chocolates. If only I had taken that urge to go out on a limb and experience the challenging world that box of chocolates could offer. The only difference between ‘what if’ and ‘if only’ is the fact that one gives you more of a chance, the other more of regret.

Now I leave it to you to think about which of the two phrases you’d prefer to use. If you would ask me, I’d prefer to use both. One would ensure my curiosity and inspiration, the other would push me harder to success.

I’ve therefore made a living document out of whatever comes to mind. This is my living legacy to man and nature as well as myself. Having said that, I would like to create legacies that would last beyond lifetimes as well as quench my thirst for adrenaline-induced undertakings. Being spontaneous as I am, I’ve listed down some things I want to do with my life before I leave for the hereafter. It’s just like planning an adventure of life. For what many of you would call a bucket list, I call it my own box of chocolates. For what many of you would call an itemized list of things you always wanted to do before it’s too late, I prefer it to be a delicacy of things that are purposeful, meaningful and reasonably challenging. And a lot of things come to mind for what delicacies my box of chocolates would have.

Yeah. I know some of them are lame but these delicacies in my box of chocolates mean a lot to me and I also know that everything from here on out would be just icing on a cake.

1. Migrate to a country of choice. While most people want to live and visit Paris, I’ve always wanted to experience South Korea. Yes, Paris may be the most romantic city in the world with its urban perfection, greatest boutiques, grand boulevards, and legendary cafes but South Korea to me has a lot of history and mysteries that I want to discover and learn about. With its rich and flourishing culture and history and lots of magical, mystical and amusing places to visit over and over without tiring, Korea would be the perfect place for me to live in.

2. Finish Simbang Gabi. The Misa de Gallo or Simbang Gabi is practiced in the Philippines every December 16 until December 25 either at 12midnight or 4AM or anytime in the wee hours of the morning, depending on which city or province you are located. St. Mary the Virgin Church in Sagada opens its doors to the public at 5AM for the Misa de Gallo. At the Cathedral in Baguio City, the church is open as early as 12am. I’ve completed only 5 of the 9 days, so far.

3. Make a scrapbook of memories. I’m a packrat of sorts. I’ve lots of stuff stacked up in my room I use for art such as personalized cards and envelopes, scrapbooking, and any artistic ideas that would suddenly pop up in my mind. I’ve finished my scrapbook of memories when I was in elementary but time is at a loss every time I think of updating it. I’ve just started with the new inputs.

4. Build sand castles. I’ve always wanted to experience building sand castles. Real sand castles done by the beach. The only sand castles I’ve ever built were those by our front yard in Danonoy where a pile of sand was dumped for construction of the pathway to the poultry house. That pile sand had been my playground while growing up as well as with my sisters and brother. As we grew up, that pile of sand became less and less, but I never even built a castle on that pile of sand. I’ve built ‘volcanoes’ out of it, that of which was done in a very unsanitary way but was however sooo fun. I’ve also built burrows for my Easter eggs that my sisters could not find. At times, that pile of sand would serve as a hiding place for things I would not want my sisters to take from me. I couldn’t believe that I’m saying this but I really, really miss that pile of sand. I think it was used to pave the front lawn. I was in already in college when I saw the last of it. I’ve been to beaches but I never had the chance to build sand castles as well. Every opportunity was missed as another one opens. Every time I get to build a sand castle, something comes up. I was just left building sand castles in the air.

5. Commune with nature. I love the outdoors so with every chance I get, I go hiking in the mountains nearby our home, sleep on the grass, listen to the sound of the rustling leaves, the sound of crickets (at one time, my adventurous streak kicked in that I went looking around for Jiminy), the chirping birds and the constant moo-moo of the cows nearby (I always hoped I won’t step or sleep on a pile of moo-moo turd or cow pies as they say). Communing with nature is one of my ways of casting all my worries and cares to the wind as it blusters them away from my ailing soul and mind.

6. Wish upon a shooting star. I always believed in fairytales, prince and princesses, mysteries and adventure. Yes. I am a romantic at heart. But hopeless nonetheless. Ever since I knew about shooting stars and wishes coming true when you cast your wishes upon them, I’ve always watched out my window at night for a shooting star. I couldn’t explain the emotions coursing through me when I’ve seen a light one time, blinking, flickering in the distant velvet sky. I just closed my eyes and wished that my father would get well. And then it hit me. I opened my eyes and realized that it was just a plane passing through. I would love to catch a glimpse of a shooting star one day. At times when I couldn’t sleep at night, I just go out on a clear night, look up at the sky, watch the marvelous stars twinkle, while fervently hoping that a shooting star passes through my line of sight.

7. Plant a tree. Our high school had a tree-planting activity years ago, and that’s when I really planted a tree by myself. It was a palm tree. Last time I checked, that palm tree was still standing strong. When we were young, we’ve helped my dad plant trees by the gate so cows (they were our neighbors) wouldn’t invade our yard.

8. Have lots of fun at amusement parks. Hmmm… As a child and up to now, I never had the luxury or even a chance to go to Disneyland or any amusement park for that matter. The only park I went to which really ‘amused’ me was Burnham Park in Baguio City. It may not have the luxury of carousel rides or Ferris wheels but it has this bike-hiring amenity where you could take out bikes for a limited amount of time and roam around the park vicinity. It also has a lake at the very center of the park with boats for hire where you could experience paddling by yourself or at least have someone in the know to teach you how. And my hometown, Sagada has its own share of something that keeps you amused. Who needs an amusement park when in Sagada you could run along the fields and have loads of fun getting yourself stuck in a rice paddy? The very challenge of how to get yourself out of that slushy, gooey mess is an adventure in itself. Amusing, right? Who needs monkey bars and zip lines when in Sagada, one just has to climb trees and swing from one branch to another? Who needs slides and skating rinks when in Sagada, one just has to take a slab of wood, rub candlewax on it and ride it down the road or an incline? Who needs swimming pools or indoor beaches when in Sagada, there’s a lot nature could offer? You could go wash out all the worries and wearies in its majestic falls or brave the freezing waters of the caves. Or if you don’t mind AT ALL, the murky crap-polluted waters of Danum Lake. Who needs roller coaster rides when in Sagada, you just ride in uncle Paddong’s or uncle Pablo’s bus and you’re in for the ride of your life? I know there’s more to Sagada than what I’ve mentioned but well, I must say, it’s really more fun in Sagada.

9. Stand with one foot on either side of a provincial/continental/country boundary. I still have yet to stand with one foot on either side of the boundary arch between Mountain Province and Benguet. I know, I know. Don’t judge me. I just didn’t have that much time in my hands. It was one blasted excuse after another.

10. Meet someone famous and get his/her autograph. I’ve always been an avid fan of Korean celebrities. I would love love love to have Kim Soo Hyeon’s and Seo In Guk’s signature on a frame. Kim Soo Hyeon is my self-proclaimed husband, if there’s ever such a thing. I know there is, ‘coz I just mentioned it. Seo In Guk – I just love how he grew up to be such an amazing actor. I love them and yes, I troll both of them.

11. Cut my own hair. I thought it was weird and crazy to be cutting your own hair but by the time I did it, the feeling was a mixture of relief, sadness, excitement, etc. I never thought cutting my own hair would be an “orgasmic” experience. Well, the excitement and the relief is explanatory. The sadness, well because my hair is an extension of my body. When I get to cut it, it seems there’s a piece of me missing, which physically is true but there’s really much more to the experience than meets the eye. The feelings of relief and excitement outweighed the sadness of having something missing from your life.

12. Skip class or school. A lot of my friends and classmates would answer, ‘Who doesn’t?’. I never did. It was hard enough for me since I didn’t want to let my mother down. She is a teacher and I always thought that if I had to cut class or skip school, then I would be a disappointment to my mother and everyone who is proud of me for what I have achieved. But that was true only for my days in elementary and high school. In college, I’ve skipped out of one class just for the joy of walking out from my angered and misunderstood instructor. Hehe… No worries. After both of us had cooled down, I’ve asked for an apology at the end of the period. Apology accepted with a dimpled smile as a bonus. Huh, was he that cute before? I really was engrossed in my studies. Tsk. Tsk.

13. Have a movie marathon with friends. I have a lot of friends in high school. Four of them, my best of friends. But I never had a chance to go to a movie marathon with them because of the distance of where we live to the town center. It would take 30 minutes to an hour of walking before you reach our home and just as I mentioned earlier, our nearest neighbors are the cows. It sometimes gives me the chills when I think about walking home alone. In college, during our sophomore and junior years in school and after every exhausting examination, my friends and I would stay at a friend’s house for the night and watch movies. At one time, we watched the whole sequels of the movie ‘SAW’. It was fun relaxing with friends more so that when we sometimes had too much alcohol in our blood, we miraculously could speak the English language perfectly well. And we spoke to each other like that until the alcohol wears off. Then we’re back to being wanna-be Westerners. We still were wanna-bes when we were drunk but as high-spirited as we were, we didn’t know that.

14. Kiss foreign land on first step. This had been my promise for like, forever. It has also been an inspiration and a motivation factor for me to do my best and reach high enough to tap my dream. The first time I was able to step on foreign land was in Singapore. I failed this big time. I was so nervous and tired and excited at the same time that my emotions got the better of me. And the first step was not on land particularly, it was on the airport terminal floor.

15. Carve name into a tree. I’ve done this once or twice already. I’ve carved my name on a guava tree beside our house together with my sisters. We always climbed this tree on weekends to try hiding from house chores. Dad and Mom would call from the big house, look for us from place to place. Come to think of it, it was funny enough they never thought of looking up the guava tree. Hehehe… I also miss that guava tree. It was my refuge at times when I needed to be alone. The widespread branches of the chestnut tree nearby helped a great deal to conceal myself and the precious guava tree.

16. Embrace history. I’m not actually one to be called a history buff but I learned to embrace the Igorot culture and how important it was to know one’s roots. At this time, cultural integrity and preservation is a challenge posed by the growing economy and the introduction of modern technology and deeds. My curiosity and quest on how things were and when things started became even more fervent with the advent of the challenges the modern world has posed.

17. Send message on a bottle. I always thought it was romantic and exciting and adventurous to just write a poem or a letter, put it in an airtight bottle and let it float at sea. Unfortunately, I never came close getting an empty bottle to bodies of water so the challenge was futile. I actually remember San Juan Beach in San Fernando, La-Union but I couldn’t find an empty bottle nearby. And even if I had, I didn’t have with me a pen and paper to write on. Neither were leaves or anything I could use as a pad or pen.

18. Make a wish by dropping a coin in a well or fountain, or when crossing bridges. Hmm… ever since I learned about the Guggenheim and the wishing fountain, it’s been my mantra to make a wish in a well or a fountain or bridges any chance I get. I’ve never crossed bridges all my life, unless you count the 3-foot bridge we always used to tread as children when I and my sisters went to blow off some steam at the nearby mountain. The bridge connected the main road and a beat-up path leading towards our favorite mountain. There was an 8-ft drop in-between.

19. Experience a fireworks display. It’s frustrating to know how cool it would be to experience a fireworks display close-hand after I have seen it on television. The New Year celebration would be close enough to seeing mother rockets or lussis or fountains light up the night but it was never enough to assuage my curiosity of how a real fireworks display would feel. I’ve just been a distant observer when came the chance to see the Fireworks display in Baguio City. Would have loved to have seen (and smelled?) it with friends and family.

20. Sleep on a tree house. It wasn’t much of those tree houses you see on TV or anywhere in the world but it still is my very own tree house though I never could sleep on it. It was the guava tree beside our house. I could climb and sit on its big branches or even lie down but never to sleep because I might fall 20 feet down. And I was a little packed in the middle.

21. Bathe, sing, dance in the rain. I’ve been wet by the rain walking home from school but I wasn’t too happy about it. I would love to someday, just out of craziness and budging curiosity, get to bathe, sing and dance in the rain.

22. Make a difference in the world. I always thought being in the medical field and getting that knowledge applied in my hometown and the other poor communities without any kind of compensation would be a start. Making a difference in the world is being that difference. In a good way. Or so I thought. Yeah, it was so cliché. Danger of having a young mind. I might want to think that through though. I don’t really know. I still have that vigor to volunteer my services but I need to do something more than that. Something that could make an impact on people’s lives. Something I still am thinking about.

23. Sleep under the stars. No matter how hard I tried to sleep under the stars, I never could because Sagada is soooo cold at night. I’d freeze myself to death before I get to cross ‘sleep under the stars’ off my list. As children, we could have made it happen if we didn’t lay inside a tent our Dad made for us in the backyard one summer. But we had to run back to the house because we couldn’t sleep. But it wasn’t the biting cold which kept us awake. It was the fear of ghosts and monsters our active imaginations conjured that night. That’s what we get for talking about ghosts and what-nots while warming up our cold toes by the campfire. Dad and mom had a laugh. We didn’t. We were so scared we never dared to talk about ghosts and such for a year or so.

24. Go on a roadtrip with friends. I think it’s inborn – my sense of adventure and spontaneity. I would have loved, loved, loved to quench that monster inside of me but then I was so busy with my studies I dared not go. I feel that now that I’m free, I could do so in the near future.

25. Start my own business. I’ve always wanted to start an internet café or a photocopying business. My second greatest dream however is to start a mall and house my internet café and photocopying business there aside from the other amenities my mall could offer. My first greatest dream is to start a foundation that would cater to anyone in need of help. I’d name it Bravo’s Angels Foundation, Ltd.

26. Perform random acts of kindness every day. I have saved lots of cats and dogs from the cold. I’ve also helped my sisters and classmates with their assignments and schoolwork. I’ve helped an old lady carry her small sack of camote to the jeepney stop. I’ve dropped my 5 peso baon to Red Cross cans passed around. But just being alive to do all these things has given me a reason to live. That’s my purpose.

27. Design and build my own house. I love gazing at houses and taking points regarding the architectural designs. I also love to browse my aunt’s Home and Garden magazine to look for precious designs for houses. During my Junior year in high school, our Technology and Livelihood Education class required us to make floor plans of houses. Our senior year, allowed us to update our floor plans, design our houses using scales, and finally do a perspective of what our dream house would be like. Not to brag about it but I got the highest grade, although some of my measurements were a little off. I have a BS Nursing degree. I might seem to have missed my calling. What would have happened if I pursued design and architecture?

28. Have a car like James Bond’s. Whatever car James bond uses, it’s soooo cool! I’d love to have one of them sitting on my garage one day. Speaking of cars, I’d had the chance of taking a picture of myself and a Lamborghini. Would love to win that car. :D

29. Fall in love. Who wouldn’t? I don’t think there’s a normal person in the world who wouldn’t want to fall in love. It’s a crazy adventure. And when (notice I said ‘when’, not ‘if’) I fall in love, then will I have a chance to go visit the Great Wall of China and put a lock among the padlocks lined by love-locked lovers.

30. Get married and have kids. Okay. A lot of people say that you’ll know when the right man comes. I do hope so.

31. Bake my own wedding cake. This is the most special moment of my life and I want my wedding cake to be perfect as my gift to my soon-to-be husband and the people who’d be attending. That is, if I knew how to bake. Since it’s a special occasion, I would just leave it to the experts. Maybe, I’d still try my best though.

32. Go camping with family. Going camping in the truest sense of the word? No. But it meant a lot to me when my dad pitched up a tent at our backyard, made a bonfire, and we roasted marshmallows and slept in the tent. Nothing in this world would ever beat a family bonding.

33. Write a book. This is one of my frustrations. Every time I start writing one, I’d have another idea in mind and I scrap the one I’m recently on and start over. I have the loose pages tucked somewhere in a forgotten pile of manuscripts and scrap papers. I plan to get them all back one day, compile them and somehow finish what I started. I’ve started writing a short story recently, and I wish I had all those manuscripts I had back then.

34. Eat exotic food. I don’t know how far exotic goes in your dictionary but maybe the most exotic food I have tasted is dog meat. (aaarggh… it was an accident really. I didn’t know it was dog meat. Eh adobo kasi kaya ayun, sunggab agad ang lola mo.) Yes, that’s more exotic to me than eating bugs. Eating dog meat is over the top more outlandish than eating bugs. I don’t get why people get to eat man’s best friends. That’s totally out of the question downright sick to me.

35. Climb a mountain 5 times. This I’ll never tire of. I’d climb the mountain near our house again and again as long as I live. But I want to take it to the next level and climb the next highest mountain – Mount Pulag.

36. Swim with dolphins. Dolphins are so cute and mysterious. I’d love to experience how they feel beside me. I hear it would be the most serene experience.

37. Get lost in a city. I’d love to get lost in the city of Paris – the city of lovers, of romance, of love. I’d do what it takes just to feel the romance, the magic, the grandiosity of it all. I got lost recently. In Edmonton. And I didn’t like the feeling of experiencing it all over again. But that’s not the kind of lost I was talking about. I’m talking about being lost as in being one and enjoying the view the sites, the adventure. I could have when I was lost in Edmonton but it was the lack of finances and the situation that had me bawling and balking.

38. Go where people wouldn’t dare go. There is a reason behind why people shy away from some places. They never would dare go there such as some horrific places and those with stories behind them that would leave you running away instead of running towards it. What most people don’t know is that there is a story behind why people wouldn’t go to these places. There’s history and mystery behind it. That’s what makes it very interesting. I’m so curious about these places that I love to know what really has happened. I guess I never had the chance to go to such places just yet. Except for the burial caves and the hanging coffins of my hometown, but those weren’t eerie places. They were sacred in the truest sense of the word.

39. Go on a road trip with friends. My sense of adventure is always kicking in. I’ve always wanted to go on a road trip from Sagada to the other Northern provinces then going down south towards Batangas, Manila, Bataan, etc.

40. Climb the Great Wall of China. I’ve always been amazed how the wall looked like up close. I’ve always been amazed at how people have died and sacrificed everything to build this wall for safety and now people are coming from all over the world to take a look at how majestic and sacred this wall stood. I’ve always wanted to walk this wall from one end to the other. It seems to be a great adventure.

41. Go deep into a cave. With caves squandered all around Sagada, I’ve always been spelunking here and there but never going deep into its realms. But there was this one time when my sense of adventure kicked in and my friends and I took the cave connection. This was the adventure of the lifetime since we had to go deep into 3 caves connected to one another and this would take 3-4 hours. It took us 5 hours ‘coz I was acting up again.

42. Explore the world. Ever since I’ve heard tales from my aunts, uncles and cousins about what a great world there is outside Sagada and the Philippines, I wanted to take a trip around the world and live my life to the fullest. So here I am in Canada, a stepping stone to fulfilling my dreams that had for years been distant and running away from me.

43. Go on a backpacking adventure around Asia. Yeah. I know. I’m really an adventurous person. And with that spontaneity. I’d love to just pack a bag and go lose myself in the beauty of nature and cities around Asia. So I’ve started to see Singapore. I still have 49 more Asian countries to go to, including the Philippines. That gets me so excited.

44. Visit the Arctics. Once in a while, I’d also want to just up and leave everything, my family and friends and everything I’ve ever known and just live somewhere else where I could be alone and just be who I want to be, do whatever I want to do, say whatever I want to say. There are times like this that I want to just drop everything and get lost. The arctics would be the perfect place to stay being that it is remote and no one knows who I am there.

45. Visit the Alps. A nature lover, I’d love to visit the alps and capture a moment. And drink a steaming cup of coffee while looking at those majestic mountains.

46. Achieve financial freedom. Who wouldn’t want to be rich? I for one would love to have that kind of freedom to provide for my family and my future. And do whatever I want.

47. Find mysterious places. Deep inside me there’s a thorn that keeps pricking me, leading me to be a curious person. I keep wondering and so if I know there’s something mysterious or weird I’d love to experience it first-hand.

48. Go surfing. Unfortunately, the only surfing I’ve done as of the moment is surfing the internet.

49. Explore the Philippines. Having been in Sagada almost all my life, I thought it was the most beautiful place in the world. I never knew that all over the Philippines, there are other places as mysterious as our caves, as majestic as our waterfalls, as cool as our breeze, etc. I guess. This should be my first stop when I go home after I cross out #46 of this list.

50. Own Siberian huskies. I’m always partial to dogs especially those bred with high society lines. The cutest of them all would be Siberian huskies. Some of these days, I’ll get to buy one or two of these huskies. Maybe not from Siberia per se. But I would love to visit Siberia anyhow.