With the aim of just relieving my heart and mind of stress and all pent-up emotions, I’ve drafted a few lines of
this last night after a bout of migraines and pricking pain in my chest. I've
planned to delete it permanently from my CPU but what has happened today and the
past few days has took a turn for the worse and thus has prompted me to just go
along with finishing what I started or else my heart might explode from it all. So here it goes.
I am in pain - the worst kind. The
kind that no amount of medication or surgical manipulation can ever cure.
Emotional, spiritual pain. Those combined, is there even something left for me to live
with? My heart is cramping - the kind of
cramps that the more you try to tamp it down, the more it hurts. My lungs seem to have lost their ability to deliver the much-needed oxygen to the major organs in my body. It seems there's a lot of miniature dwarfs with hammers and hatchets pounding relentlessly inside my head. I couldn’t breathe. You know the feeling when
you’re drowning and you try to swim upwards to break water and be able to
breathe again but something seems to keep pulling you deeper into the water?
Well, that’s how I am feeling right now. I’m drowning from all the lies and sins, from being able to live when those who deserve to live have already passed away, from everything.
I’ve asked Him a lot of times this: Why
me, Lord? What have I so dreadfully done in my past life for me to gruellingly
pay for it in this life? Lord, if you wanted to teach me a lesson in life, you've
been most successful this time. If you think I deserve this harsh punishment
for whatever I did in my past life, then this is it, Lord. I am all
yours. But why, Lord? Am I really as strong as you think I am? How do I go
about this? How do I live with it? Can I even get through this? My own family
fails me - twice. I don't know. It's still out of respect that I call them
family. Nakakahiya sa new-found friends ko. Nakakahiya sa mga taong nakapaligid
sa akin. Nakakahiya sa mga taong mahal ako at mahal ko. Nakakahiya sa Inyo.
Lord, could you please do me a favor
and just take me home with You? If this is life as it is today and it gets even
harder as life goes on, then Lord, please take me home with You. I love you,
Lord. But I don't think I could take anymore of their antics. I am so tired of their
manipulative reasoning. I am so tired of hearing them spew nonsense from minds
and mouths so filthy that you could smell the stench from Alaska and back. Answer
me this Lord. Am I justified to feel angry? Am I reasonable to feel annoyed? Am
I right to feel a tad bit peeved? Lord, am I even in my right mind to ask you
of this? Either take me with You or let us burn in hell. I would even be so
glad to grab hold of their hands and trod down to hell with them in atonement
of my sins and theirs.
I really, really just want to drop
off the face of the earth this very minute. Alam ko Lord na hindi ang isang
taong tulad nilang malabong kausap ang sisira sa mga plano ko sa buhay, sa mga
pangarap ko, sa pagsisikap kong maabot ang kalayaang matagal ko nang hinangad.
But if worse comes to worst, Lord, I'll not even think twice. I'll drag them
all down with me to the pits of hell in the blink of an eye.
My
heart would explode from pain if I don’t let these all out. My 6pm-6am work as
an online freelance contractor stresses me out enough. I don’t need some petty
excuse of a person to add to that. They may not be worth my death but Lord I’d
want to take their sins with me to hell and do the world a huge and excellent
favour. Less me and them, I suspect it would rather be a wonderful world to
live in with me and them out of the picture.
Rants and ravings of a stressed,
confused, emotional Lexa Elaine.