Emotionally Drained and Stressed Out

​​With the aim of just relieving my heart and mind of stress and all pent-up emotions, I’ve drafted a few lines of this last night after a bout of migraines and pricking pain in my chest. I've planned to delete it permanently from my CPU but what has happened today and the past few days has took a turn for the worse and thus has prompted me to just go along with finishing what I started or else my heart might explode from it all. So here it goes.

I am in pain - the worst kind. The kind that no amount of medication or surgical manipulation can ever cure. Emotional, spiritual pain. Those combined, is there even something left for me to live with? My heart is cramping -  the kind of cramps that the more you try to tamp it down, the more it hurts. My lungs seem to have lost their ability to deliver the much-needed oxygen to the major organs in my body. It seems there's a lot of miniature dwarfs with hammers and hatchets pounding relentlessly inside my head. I couldn’t breathe. You know the feeling when you’re drowning and you try to swim upwards to break water and be able to breathe again but something seems to keep pulling you deeper into the water? Well, that’s how I am feeling right now. I’m drowning from all the lies and sins, from being able to live when those who deserve to live have already passed away, from everything.

I’ve asked Him a lot of times this: Why me, Lord? What have I so dreadfully done in my past life for me to gruellingly pay for it in this life? Lord, if you wanted to teach me a lesson in life, you've been most successful this time. If you think I deserve this harsh punishment for whatever I did in my past life, then this is it, Lord. I am all yours. But why, Lord? Am I really as strong as you think I am? How do I go about this? How do I live with it? Can I even get through this? My own family fails me - twice. I don't know. It's still out of respect that I call them family. Nakakahiya sa new-found friends ko. Nakakahiya sa mga taong nakapaligid sa akin. Nakakahiya sa mga taong mahal ako at mahal ko. Nakakahiya sa Inyo.

Lord, could you please do me a favor and just take me home with You? If this is life as it is today and it gets even harder as life goes on, then Lord, please take me home with You. I love you, Lord. But I don't think I could take anymore of their antics. I am so tired of their manipulative reasoning. I am so tired of hearing them spew nonsense from minds and mouths so filthy that you could smell the stench from Alaska and back. Answer me this Lord. Am I justified to feel angry? Am I reasonable to feel annoyed? Am I right to feel a tad bit peeved? Lord, am I even in my right mind to ask you of this? Either take me with You or let us burn in hell. I would even be so glad to grab hold of their hands and trod down to hell with them in atonement of my sins and theirs.

I really, really just want to drop off the face of the earth this very minute. Alam ko Lord na hindi ang isang taong tulad nilang malabong kausap ang sisira sa mga plano ko sa buhay, sa mga pangarap ko, sa pagsisikap kong maabot ang kalayaang matagal ko nang hinangad. But if worse comes to worst, Lord, I'll not even think twice. I'll drag them all down with me to the pits of hell in the blink of an eye.

My heart would explode from pain if I don’t let these all out. My 6pm-6am work as an online freelance contractor stresses me out enough. I don’t need some petty excuse of a person to add to that. They may not be worth my death but Lord I’d want to take their sins with me to hell and do the world a huge and excellent favour. Less me and them, I suspect it would rather be a wonderful world to live in with me and them out of the picture.

Rants and ravings of a stressed, confused, emotional Lexa Elaine.

Bomas-ang Urges Sagada, Besao Leaders To Back Windmill Farm Project

 

SAGADA, MOUNTAIN PROVINCE- Engr. Rufino Bomas-ang urged community leaders in Sagada and Besao, Mountain Province to support the proposed windmill farm along Pilao- Langsayan Ridge on the boundary of the two towns, during two separate public consultations with renewable energy firm PhilCarbon on March 2, 2013.

“I believe in the project,” stressed PhilCarbon’s chairman, who is a native of Besao and an alumnus of St. Mary’s School (SMS) of Sagada in his talk at the Besao Multi-purpose Coop Building during the town’s Ubaya Festival.  Later the same day, he reiterated the same conviction during another dialogue with the elders of Sagada at the St. Joseph Inn. 

During the consultations, locals raised concerns on possible water supply diminishing, farm animal harm, health problems, and environmental hazards. Among the attendees were Gueday Barangay Captain Paul Casiwan, retired teacher Soledad Belingon,, and Besao Vice Mayor Harry Baliaga.  Also in attendance were Doctor Leoncio Carlin, a native Sagadian and former Medical Director of St. Luke’s Hospital who is currently based in Ohio, USA, and Professor Andrew Bacdayan, another native Sagadian with a Master’s degree in forestry and a Ph.D in economics and is currently a retired professor based in Texas, USA. Both Dr. Carlin and Professor Bacdayan expressed support for the wind farm. 

In response to the various concerns raised, Bomas-ang talked about the company’s responsibilities prescribed by the Department of Environment and Natural Resources, and community benefits that PhilCarbon is providing over and above what the law requires.

He denied environmental, agricultural, and health threats saying windmills are safe as evaluated by international standards.

“Nu dati ay um-a, um-a met laeng (crop farms will still be crop farms even with the windmills),” responded Bomas-ang when asked if wind turbine blades would scare cows away.

Bomas-ang also showed a video clip of windmills in other countries along the shoreline and on top of mountains to give the locals a better picture of windmills.

Ruth Yu- Owen, President of PhilCarbon, explained to the locals the distribution of taxes and other benefits as mandated by laws. 

 “We are here to help and we are here with you,” said Owen after revealing that PhilCarbon has decided to allot a community fund- on top of the royalties- that will go directly to the host communities.

In an interview, Bomas-ang lamented the fact that a group is spreading misinformation about and campaigning against the project.

“Our elders came to be clarified on the various allegations being made by this group. With simple science and common sense, we hope we have  shown that these are baseless claims,” said Bomas-ang.

He also announced that PhilCarbon is sponsoring another batch of locals to see the Bangui, Ilocos Norte windmill farm to help them better understand the project.

ABOUT US AND THE PROJECT:

The Sagada-Besao Wind Farm is a government project- the Pilao-Langsayan Ridge being a priority due to its local wind regime. A study conducted by the Department of Energy on the nationwide wind patterns claims that the Pilao-Langsayan Ridge is a wind path, as with that of Bangui, Ilocos Norte. The Department of Energy has therefore granted PhilCarbon a contract to develop the proposed Sagada-Besao Wind Power Project.

PhilCarbon (www.philcarbon.com) is a Philippine renewable energy company specializing in the development of clean sources of power from natural resources such as wind, hydro, bio-mass and geothermal. Aiming for a Philippines that is free of pollution and self-sufficient, this developer, with the help of the Department of Energy, Department of Environment and Natural Resources, and the Provincial Environment and Natural Resources Officer seeks for an opportunity from the locals of putting up a wind farm on the mountain ridges bordering Sagada and Besao.

The setting up of 10 wind turbines will generate a 15MW capacity that can fuel the homes, farms, and businesses of the locals. The prospect of producing a clean, renewable energy source for the community is definitely a great initiative. Wind power, as an alternative to fossil fuels, is plentiful, literally renewable, widely distributed, clean, produces no greenhouse gas emissions during operation, and uses little land. Feasibility studies and other environmental assessments are taking place to ensure that no natural resources are harmed during the construction and installation as well as during the operation of these turbines.

Sagada Etag Festival: A Call for Cultural Transcendence

It was a cold, chilly day, quite typical for January and early February in Sagada. A cool breeze stirred the air with only a lingering hint of warmth. Sagada isn’t something like the terrains to the south. It is ruggedly beautiful and everything seems oversized – huge clumps of trees all densely clustered together in the midst of rolling mountains, grand masses of rocks in the oddest places as if strewn there by God’s whimsical hand, cavernous hollows in the earth linked together to bring colossal burrows into existence, world-renowned hanging coffins dangling from a sheer mountainside portraying the opulent culture of the I-Sagada. And of course, there is the Sagada Etag Festival, the biggest annual celebration the town could offer beginning from the last week of January lasting to the early days of February. I love Sagada, always will.

The recently concluded Sagada Etag Festival has given me hope of ridding my rusty mind of a lot of clutter through writing. Hmmm… I wish I could say the same for cleaning the house. Even at my age, I still get chided for lack of housekeeping skills. Up until this day, I still could hear my mom every morning running up the stairs to wake us up so we could scrub the floor and start sweeping. And my college roommates say I’m cranky when day breaks. Now you know why. :D But, enough already about these trips down memory lane. One could get overly fatigued traipsing down mine.

I really don’t know why but I think ever since I’ve come into existence, my body clock was set to go off at past 8AM. I’m not a morning person, that much you know about me. So for me, 8AM is just like your average 5AM. But for the festivities the Sagada Etag Festival brings, I woke up at half past seven and took an icy early morning bath (at that time, I thought it may be my last bath in Sagada), and got ready to watch the parade for my mom and brother have already left to join the march. I left home with the sun barely peering out of the clouds. That was all I needed for me to start the day with a triumphant hop and an enthusiastic smile plastered on my zit-pervaded face.

Graced by the presence of the province’s own Congressman Maximo Dalog, the Sagada Etag Festival took off with a grand procession of ornate fashion parading down the streets. There’s that dash of emotion that emboldens you to get lost in the color and life of this happy occasion. Led by the PRO-COR Band of Camp Dangwa, the Sagada PNP colour guards channelled their way to the grassy softball ground below the church evident of grazing animals preceding this celebration, commencing the civic parade. The Local Government Unit of Sagada led by Mayor Eduardo Latawan Jr. as well as visitors from the sister municipalities of Sagada and neighboring towns trailed Sagada’s Finest and the PNP Cordillera Regional Office Band.

I loved the sound of the trumpets and the bugles of the Army’s marching band but the Sagada Central School Drum and Lyre Corps was my own pride and honor. I missed the rhythm of the drums and the wonderful sound of the lyres, also the graceful swing of flags of the majorettes. I missed playing the triangle, the tambourine, the flute, and the lyre. Of course, the SCS pupils were amusing to watch for I remembered how small we were then, innocently proud, waving and smiling at spectators lured to this rustic getaway by its etag and tourist destinations. The Sagada National High School students gave me a sense of pride as I for one have traversed those streets with my head held high just as they have done. Much to my delight, who was I to espy but the living souls who have made us who we are today, our teachers. Thanks to them, I’ve learned my ABC’s, do-re-mi’s, 1-2-3’s, and the missing x-y-z’s well enough to put them to good use.

Oblivious of the typical cold temperature of Sagada, street dancers from the different zones of Sagada adorned in different ethnic garbs swayed their hips and raised their arms to the beat of the gongs as they strutted along the streets with heads held high. The painful sting of the wind and the intense cold was nothing to the many viewers from the different barangays of Sagada and all around the Philippines and the world who've come to witness such genuine talents. The parade was really grand and fascinating as people in traditional Igorot costumes danced and played the gongs along the street as they pirouetted their way to their destination.

And so the parade ends, the program starts and Congressman Dalog takes to the stage to give his inspirational message. The wholehearted gist of his message was music to my ears. A cultural presentation from the different zones of Sagada followed afterward. And then after that, the ground demonstration of the students from the different high schools in the locality. The morning culminated as Sagada Mayor Eduardo Latawan, Jr. shared wise words to every listening ear. That afternoon and the next few days promised a lot of sports, academic and non-academic quests, indigenous games, singing and dance contests, and the much-anticipated Sagada Got Talent portion which is a new venture this year. Also new this year is the presence of the Besao-Sagada Wind Farm Project, a project proposed by PhilCarbon which is a ‘Philippine renewable energy company focused in the development of clean sources of power from natural resources such as wind, hydro, biomass and geothermal’. The Windfarm project booth situated in front of the proud Sagada Etag booth aims to build awareness among the people of Sagada and Besao in relation to their goal of putting up a renewable energy source to cater to the Besao and Sagada communities. During the first three days of the festival, a video presentation of the said proposal had been airing on the widescreen monitor the booth had the liberty of setting up.

An offshoot of the town’s fiesta, the Sagada Etag Festival is celebrated alongside the Feast of the Virgin Mary (Sagada’s Patron Saint) and starts from the last week of January to the first week of February. This year makes it the third year Sagada celebrates its Etag Festival. This festival entails a lot of things. Cultural transcendence being one of the most important. The culture the I-Sagada represents is one of character and a sense of oneness and of their aspirations. It provides an idea of who they are and what they stand for. It is a culture which transcends even to their ballads and dances – a way of life. Despite the immense adjustments and trends modernization reverberates to the town’s ethnic sensibility, devoting oneself to the traditional way of life has never been a drawback to the people residing in this beautiful and magnificent tourist town. Beliefs, practices, and traditions of manufacturing etag or smoked mountain ham is as important as preserving every dap-ay, every sacred place of worship, and respecting every belief, practice and tradition of Sagada. It is our legacy. One to be passed down from generation to generation to celebrate our identity as a people – our identity as humanity. This is one of the reasons the Etag Festival was conceptualized. Aside from its known aim to promote tourism, the Etag Festival is also a celebration and a call to preserve and sustain whatever culture our forefathers have handed down to us. Aside from these, this festival goes beyond boundaries. It’s a festival for everyone -- the rich and poor, the old and young, the traditional and contemporary, the foreign and local visitors, the excited and bored, the happy and sad, the smitten and broken-hearted. It’s a festival that encompasses everything – indigenous and modern games or sports, ethnic and modern dances and songs, simple and challenging activities, day and night affairs.

As these events fall into place, the delightful laughter heard and content smiles plastered on hundreds of eager faces despite the sprawling heat of the midday sun is a measure of success. Playing host to hundreds of visitors may somewhat be common in Sagada as a tourist destination but preparation and planning and making this festival a victory is no easy feat. It is the persistence and ambitions of the Local Government Unit, National Commission for Culture and Arts, Smart/Talk ‘n Text, and other sponsors at this monumental task that has given this event its success.

At the end of the day, the music in my own heart emanates a desire to dance and sing as well. But to me, dancing or singing, be it for an audience or be it in front of a mirror, is like being naked at a wedding reception. However, expressing my thoughts through writing is a welcome treat -- roving my hungry mind for words to tell you that writing is just like eating at the cooking booths and food stalls the Etag Festival has instigated. And, what a find! Eating in Sagada is an experience of its own. You could taste the essence of every slice and dice the delicacy has gone through before being rustled up and balanced with a toss of indigenous flavor. And so I, for one, got stymied to eat and eat… and eat some more. It’s really a tough job, but someone’s got to do it.

Sagada may be a salad bowl of cultures traditional and contemporary but the food, excellent service, the view, and the hospitality of the people twirls this into a melting pot of mystifying grandeur. From the food, the language, and the people’s way of life, one could learn the luster of the place, the lilting music and the elegant and graceful dance of the I-Sagada’s. So, is Sagada really the pearl and pride of the Cordillera? Well, you’ve just have to come here and find out for yourself. It could be worth the trip.

“We are the champions, my friends”... The Antadao National High School students give justice to the lyrics of the song by Queen as they flounce their way to victory during the ground demonstration competition. Portrayed here are examples of ethnic artifacts the I-Sagadas use in their everyday living.

An Endless Waterfall

Oscar Wilde tells us that the smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest intention.

I always thought having my mom, the perfect mom despite all her imperfections and shortcomings, was the greatest gift I’ve received ever. To Charles, it’s YOU.

Just July of this year, Charles Ansibey, 19 years old, a resident of Ambasing, Sagada and last-born child to Carmen Peng-as and Odasco Ansibey underwent his chemotherapy sessions for treatment of Acute Myelogenous Leukemia (AML). Charles or ‘Ambot’ as he is so fondly called by his family and close friends has been initially diagnosed at Baguio General Hospital to have High Grade Myelodysplastic Syndrome, which is a blood-related medical condition that involves the ineffective production of blood cells from the bone marrow. His condition started three weeks prior to being admitted at Baguio General Hospital last May 2012 when he experienced low back pain, nape pain and fatigue. A week after that, he had a tooth extraction and was noted to had difficulty of controlling the bleeding and was given medications by the same dentist who had his tooth extracted. Since then, Charles was easily exhausted. Persistence of his condition prompted him therefore to seek consult at the school clinic where CBC was done and which revealed a diagnosis of anemia, thus the referral to BGH. A month after his admission to the hospital, Charles’ condition has escalated to a diagnosis of Acute Myelogenous Leukemia, which is a cancer of the blood and bone marrow. Charles is therefore advised to have 6 cycles of chemotherapy monthly (amounting to around Php 17000 or around US $400 per cycle, excluding other medical and therapeutic regimen and other hospital bills) but with the meager income his parents gain from farming, it is undeniably a mystery where the family could come up with that amount.

Due to the much-anticipated efforts of his townmates, most especially his batchmates in Sagada National High School, frenzied pleas for help splayed all over the internet and mobile phones. This in a way served as a spark that spurred text brigades, social networking sites, personal blogging sites, e-mail messaging, word of mouth, pens and papers -- all these have come in handy for helping Charles and his family. This brigade to help Charles has gone on for more than six months and up to now, good Samaritans from all over the country and the world are extending their help and concern for Charles.

This just goes to prove that when life gets difficult or even when it seems good, it is often hard to reflect on what a great God we do have and to give thanks to Him. And God is so very good to Charles. The family is grateful for all the blessings pouring in. That’s an immense gratitude, a big ‘thank you’, to all those who prayed and extended their hands to help a brother, a friend, a nephew, a child – a stranger to most but still they did their duty as loving, caring, thoughtful souls. The assistance granted to Charles and his family has tried to offset the expense of his hospital bills, medication expenses and chemotherapy sessions. It has given him hope and thus had been one of the many reasons he has gone back to school and live life more comfortably, thanks to the support of every Tom, Dick and Harry nationwide and from all over the world. Up until his passing, Charles’ angels were at work. The P21,332.00 Christian Aligo collected from the locality, friends and good Samaritans nationwide and from all over the world has paid for Charles’ first chemotherapy session. Hospital fees, succeeding chemotherapy sessions and other medications had also been taken care of by an amount of P2611.50 from Sagada National High School (Charles’ high school alma mater) faculty and students sent thru Hanee Kimmot, Charles’ classmate; P4825.00 from Sagada Central School faculty thru Hanee Kimmot; P20,500.00 from Mary Ann Dalde, Paul Tiongan and Silvestre Meand (Sir Joseph Caligtan’s classmates, who then was Teacher in-charge of SagadaNHS) -- members of  Mountain State Agricultural College (MSAC, now Benguet State University) Batch 1981 sent to Charles thru Esther Cosme and Precy Julian (Vice President of MSAC ‘81) for his (Charles) medical assistance;  P1000.00 from MSAC Batch ’81 officers; P1000.00 from Treasure Link Cooperative Society; US$250 amounting to P10,400 from Sir Daniel Thalkar, Peace Corps volunteer assigned to Sagada National High School (He’s now back in the States at his hometown in Pleasantville, Pennsylvania.); US$635 from BIBAK Association Northeast USA (BIBAK-NE); P5000.00 from Monica Ghanna Binayong from Malaysia; P2000.00 from Kikay Rapadas of Qatar; and P10,020.00 from someone who wished his name withheld. The family is also grateful to the 41 blood donors (from Nov. 16 to Dec. 4) and the previous batch of blood donors last July who each have gladly provided 500ml of their blood.

Last December 30, 2012, a variety show (created by SagadaNHS Batch 2011) to benefit Charles was launched at the Sagada Community Court at 6PM; no entrance fee since it was an open venue. After passing the hat, this show for a cause reaped P14,505 from the hard-earned money of all the local and foreign people who cared enough to watch and be a part of the cause. Entertainers volunteered for the cause and some talented and skillful people from the audience came down from the bleachers to showcase their talents and donate as well. Staying true to the shows aim to share the “spirit of Christmas by giving hope and love to people around us”, the event was more than a success.

Last December 23, Charles was discharged. I’ve heard that he has been confined last November 16 and was brought to the Intensive Care Unit last November 29, for almost a week. He just got transferred out of the ICU last December 5. And thanks to every prayer, every peso, every dollar, every helping hand Charles is spending Christmas with his family and relatives out of the hospital and everyone is hoping that the worst is over. Excel Botigan, one of Charles’ closest friends has told me that his (Charles) sister informed her of his state the night before his discharge. Accordingly, their whopping bill was something they hadn’t ever held in their own hands and couldn’t even fathom. Charles needed our help more than ever. Everyone had been rejoicing that Charles had become stronger but they (the family) still needed to pay the hospital bills. It was just two days after Christmas Day and Charles went back to the hospital. He stayed there doing his best to get better but the Lord had decided to lift all the pain and suffering Charles had been experiencing. Charles joined the Lord our God in heaven at about 11PM last January 24 and was interred last January 28 in his hometown, Sagada.

Help from all around the country and even the world are still flowing in. Charles is in God’s hands and is one of those many angels watching us from above and guiding us in whatever we do. Thank you to everyone who prayed, provided for and lent a hand to Charles. There were those from Malaysia, Hongkong, Qatar, and USA who willingly shared prayers and some of their hard-earned money. Also, good Samaritans from the country (Philippines), Austria, the UK and California have promised to contribute to compensate any medical expenses; as with the teachers and students of Sagada National High School and Sagada Central School, Sagada populace, and to each and every soul who in every way are still helping. May God bless you all a thousand fold!

These small compassionate deeds (though in a way are great) people do for Charles is just proof that the world is not at its end – that there are still ‘people’ out there in this inhumane and unjust world. They are truly, heaven-sent. YOU are one of them – Charles’ angels. To quote Charles, attitudes like yours made him realize that God is always at good to show that “I’m not alone facing this kind of struggle in life. During those times that I'm down, I'm really glad that I have around these good people (you) trying to ease the pain and [this] gives me hope.”

I took the liberty to lift this last e-mail message (from Charles to Christian) from Christian Aligo’s blog: “Through this letter, I would like to emphasize my deepest gratitude for all of you who have shown their generous support in so many ways which had allowed me to recover from pain and be healthy again. Attitudes like yours MADE me realize that God is always at good to show that I'm not alone facing this kind of struggle in life. During those times that I'm down, I'm really glad that I have around these good people (you) trying to ease the pain and gives me hope. Those days that I'm in the hospital is definitely the worst days in my life and I managed to gain strength to overcome it because of your aid.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you very much for your great help and support that you had given me. I'm happy to say that I’m doing well already to keep moving forward in attaining our goals and wishes in life and that would not have been possible without you guys!

I only pray that in all of these things that you've done, God will always be there to support and guide us.

Again, thank you and God Bless!!! --Charles”

Here’s a little something I, myself, yearn to do for everyone. To do things. To be kind. To give thanks. Give hope. Lend a hand. Share thoughts. Give love. This is my gift to you all -- creating a cycle of giving and receiving and thanking… just like an endless waterfall… I yearn to pass it on. 

LEXA ELAINE D. CAPUYAN